Hmmm...I feel weird. I’m really tired. And I feel sad too. Why am I sad? I should feel happy yet everything feels like it’s falling apart. This, ladies and gentlemen, is my thought process when I wake up in the morning. Every morning, when my darling mum comes to wake me up, as I am somehow able to sleep straight through all 10 of the alarms that I set the night before. I squirm around like a worm on concrete before sitting up and asking myself those exact questions. Why am I sad? Is everything falling apart?
In October of last year, I went to have my very first blood test. I was constantly tired and my joints were always sore, as if I had just run a marathon without moving. So I did the blood test and a week later, we went back to the doctor and she told me very calmly “There are multiple reasons for you being tired” and up to that point, I was fine. I thought, “maybe she’ll just give me some sleeping pills or supplements to fix the problem”. Boy was I wrong. The doctor went on and made me aware of the fact that I was deficient in iron and vitamin D. Now to anyone who knows a bit about women’s health they would think that’s pretty normal, considering that iron and vitamin D are the two most common deficiencies in women. But me, well, I couldn’t believe it, considering I had just come back from a four week holiday in Italy in the middle of summer where I spent the majority of my days slowly baking myself into a lightly roasted chicken and eating like a mad man on his cheat day. Was everything really falling apart?
However, as I slowly came to realise, this was the least of my problems. Without making me completely aware of the situation the doctor ordered for another set of blood tests attempting to reassure me, even though I already knew something was wrong. When those tests came back, she looked at me with sincerity in her eyes and let me know that I now had an autoimmune disease to deal with, that was also largely contributing to why I felt like absolute rubbish most days. An autoimmune disease is a condition in which your immune system mistakenly attacks your body. The immune system normally guards against germs like bacteria and viruses. When it senses these foreign invaders, it sends out an army of fighter cells to attack them. However with an autoimmune disease, your immune system falsely attacks healthy cells. My autoimmune disease is called Hashimoto’s, symptoms of Hashimoto’s include fatigue, sleeping excessively, sudden weight gain and depression. And so far I have experienced every single symptom. I think everything is falling apart.
I am trying my hardest not to sound narcissistic or pessimistic for that matter but this condition is really hard on me. I know there are bigger problems in the world, and people that are in a worse situation but it’s hard, it’s really hard. Somedays I arrive at school late because I just don’t feel like getting out of my bed, I walk into the front office and break down into tears in front of all the office ladies when they welcome me with a smile and a good morning. But after a couple of minutes, I collect myself, put on a sweet smile and say everything's fine I can go to class now. When in reality everything is not fine, everything is falling apart.
On the 28th of January 2016, I embarked on the glorious yet tortuous journey that is high school. I began high school with passion and enthusiasm. I was excited to make new friends having just moved from a small town in far north Queensland called Cairns. Living in Sydney was such a big change for me considering I had grown up in a town where even busses were a rarity. But being my happy go lucky self I managed to make some friends that I would do anything for. Moving into Year 8, I still had my friends and I knew the school better now I always tried my hardest and always got above a passing grade in all of my subjects. The same went for Year 9, I was doing great everything was falling into line I could see myself easily graduating I was thinking about my future, I was on a roll. Year 10 came round and I was doing fine. I was great, all I had to do was work hard just as I had done the years prior. And I did, I worked hard I got passing grades or higher and I was happy. Then, term 4 began, I had just been notified about my condition and quite frankly I was scared. I was terrified of what this new medication would do, I was anxious with the thought of everyone staring at me and making fun of me. I was not ready to take on this new part of me. With the pressure of Year 11 right around the corner and my first exam block coming up in just a couple weeks, I spent the majority of my time studying and stressing about basically everything and nothing. I would go off at anyone or anything, my patience was non-existent and it felt like a dark cloud had come over me. My life had fallen apart.
If I hadn’t told you about my illness this evening you probably wouldn’t be able to tell. My illness is internal, it affects my mental state and my overall mood, I feel awful and tired but you wouldn’t have been able to tell would you. Autoimmune diseases affect around 5% of Australia's population and it is estimated that 850 000 people are living with a thyroid issue. In life you can’t choose what circumstances you are born into but you will have to make many choices. Ultimately there will be some awful decisions made and some amazing ones too, however the chances of everything being completely perfect are slim to none. This statement is honestly quite depressing to hear but lifes like a circus, you have to do a lot of juggling and sometimes nothing goes to plan and everything begins to fall apart, but you have to stop, take a breath and go on. Because life goes on and we can’t get left behind. So that’s what I do, I soldier on I just keep on going and even though it feels like the whole world is falling apart around me I have to fight and go on. I try my hardest to focus on the bigger picture, on the future for not only myself but the future of all of us. In the famous words of Dory, “just keep swimming”.
.png)
Comments