Written by Barbara Farhat
‘What’ and ‘If’ are two very simple words that you would believe to be harmless. However, if you put them together, you discover their complexity and realise their ability to torment you. Sometimes it’s unfortunate, but you experience terrible situations that either change your perception on something, or possibly change your life. Instantly in the moment, you believe that no good can come out of it. You dwell on the past and question where you went wrong. The question always begins with ‘what if’?
When I was 14 years old, my world was turned upside down. I was having a great day with my friends at a netball gala day and I went home and had a lot of pain in my knees. Out of nowhere I collapsed onto the ground because I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. I found out I had torn my ACL and needed 1 year to recover. 10 months of rehabilitation went by and I was back on the field playing touch football (leaving the life I had built at netball behind) feeling like those sporting moments were when I was excelling the most.
5 months after my so called ‘comeback’ I had a freak accident at touch football a few days before Christmas where my whole knee was crushed and 3 out of 4 of my ligaments were torn. It was the worst Christmas of my life. I had immediate surgery, couldn’t straighten my leg for four weeks and was stuck in a brace. I asked all these questions like “what if I wasn’t on the field” or “what if I stayed home to do some homework?” I had a really hard time accepting this. My whole life was consumed by these ‘what if’ questions. After 1 year of rehabilitating, I was encouraged by my school to attend World Youth Day in Panama in 2019. I didn’t have too much interest to begin with but I love travelling so I thought it would be great to go and meet new friends. We were in Mexico climbing the pyramids and halfway up the pyramid I was going to turn around and give up, however, I felt the presence of God telling me to go on. It was in that moment (before the actual WYD events in Panama) that I found acceptance for what had happened to me and an understanding of how to deal with it. My biggest understanding was that God has a plan for us … we may not know what it is but we have to have faith and hope. I had also had an amazing friend that I travelled with who supported me the whole time and I realised that we do have support around us, sometimes it just takes time to see it.
6 months after my faith experienced journey (18 months after my surgery) I wanted to go back to playing touch football and make another ‘comeback’. I went to a different physio for a second opinion. I was told that my previous surgery had not been successful and I would need to reconstruct it again through 2 phases. Deep down I knew walking into the physio the answer I was going to get - but I didn’t want to believe it. This was a big point in my life where everything that happened in Mexico and Panama were challenged and compromised. At the beginning of my HSC year, I underwent phase 1 where all my ligaments were removed from my knee and all existing holes were covered with bone graft. Phase 2 happened in January the following year. I was so angry and emotional during this time. I wanted to push it back to March because the ‘what if’ questions began to haunt me again. “What if I do it in January and I can’t go out with my friends? What if I do it in January and have to miss her party?” (I know silly reasons to put off a surgery - but they happened). I ended up doing it in January with my mum's support and encouragement (she actually made it 1 week earlier than it was scheduled). I found it very hard because I had to miss the start of school. I would then begin going to school for 1 day, take the next day off, and do half days. I was missing school for appointments because my physio and surgeon don’t work around my school timetable. More than half way through my HSC year I am still rehabilitating.
What if I stayed home? What if I wasn’t on the field? What if I was playing in a different position? There are a plethora of questions I was asking myself. I got tied up in these questions and found myself being held back by my past. If I wasn’t playing the second time I tore it, I wouldn’t be in the position where I would have to reconstruct it for a third time. I struggled to find the strength to propel forward because if I were given the chance to go back in time, I would change so many things so there would be a different result.
Then one day I had to ask myself, does asking all these ‘what if’ questions change reality? No.
Can I go back in time and change what happened? No.
When life throws us an obstacle, a hardship or a barrier, sometimes you’re confused and you don’t know what it means. You don’t understand why it happened to you and not anyone else. You don’t know if something good is meant to come out of it. Sometimes you can feel down and question your purpose in life. Sometimes you feel you have no support and you wonder where you stand in the world.
People experience obstacles in different ways. Maybe through an injury, maybe through a job, maybe through your school work. In these sort of situations, we have no control over anything, God does. Even though we may not know where he is leading us, he will call us and lead us in the right way.
You can’t dwell on the past, or continue to dream for the future because it’s all about the present. Every opportunity you are given, you need to take advantage of it. It’s not about what you have, it’s what you make of what you have. It took me time to learn that when something unexpected happens to us, we have to see it as a detour instead of a destination. When you understand that, you can overcome anything.
We have to look forward and not behind because that is where the hope is. As soon as you look back, you see denial, fear and all the questions beginning with “what if?”
Someone once told me that what you go through in life helps build resilience. Sometimes it takes a person until they’re 25 to truly develop a sense of resilience and that's ok. But if God has thrown an obstacle in your path before 25 and it seems to be negative, reframe it and make it a positive. If you’re able to keep pushing through life, even during the bad times, you have built resilience.
I know that due to my injury there are certain things that I will never be, but there is a lot that I still am.
Just because you’re hurt, doesn’t mean you’re broken.
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