I'm scared when I go back to school. I don't know what group to sit with.

✧

Hi, hope you're cool! I'm scared when I go back to school. I don't know what group to sit with. There's group A, who are really smart and I love to hang around people that uplift me and help me and I also like to help others! But they sometimes hang out together without inviting me and that makes me sad and feel like I sometimes don't belong. When I ask them why I couldn't come along they always have excuses or sometimes just be like "oh-" and then talk about something else. Then there's group B who are funny, kind everything but they aren't that light minded which isn't a bad thing but I find myself constantly being annoyed when they talk about other things over classwork and get carried away. I also find that I do most of the work when I'm with them which isn't fun. No matter how much I tell them they don't change and my patience with them is off the charts. So should I hang around with group A, or B. I've tried hanging out with both but I find that I'm less close with everyone when I don't stick to one group. I've also tried other groups but these two are where I feel that I belong to the most. LOL I hope you can help me! I would really appreciate some advice right now!

✧

Hey there :)

Firstly I want to say thank you for reaching out for advice! Opening up about your struggles takes a lot of courage. I know that it can be scary, but I am so proud of you. I’m going to try my best to help you, but not everything I say may resonate with you and that’s totally okay. Everyone handles situations differently, so just take from this what feels right for you.

My Experience

I want to start off by saying that I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. I have also had extremely similar experiences with various friendship groups throughout my time in high school and I know how hard it can be to find the group of friends who make you feel the most happy and accepted. I definitely have major doubts about going back to school this term too, so you aren’t alone. You’d think that by Year 12 I would have found the perfect group for me. But nope. I’ve been in so many groups, but have always struggled to feel like I belong. Or as soon as I finally thought I had found “my” group, drama happened. It can be so exhausting and at times I felt pretty bad about myself. I used to think that I was the problem, that everyone just kept getting sick of me. But over time I realised that that wasn't true at all. It took time, but I finally accepted that maybe high school just wasn’t the place that I would find my life-long friendship group. You don’t get to choose which kids you go to high school with, so you can’t expect to just get along with everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some amazing friends, and I will always cherish my best friend who has been there for me through everything. But in the “group” department, I just haven’t had as much luck. And that is okay.

My Advice

Okay, here is my personal opinion on each of the groups you have written about. Again, this is just my opinion so you do not have to take this advice.

✧ Group A ✧

I 100% agree that you should hang around people who uplift you! One of the best things you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with friends who make you feel happy, supported, and safe. I know that it can feel really disheartening to know that your friends are planning to hang out without you. Honestly, it is disrespectful and mean. And the fact that you have brought it up with them and they can’t give you a good reason as to why they excluded you, or even that they just ignore the question all together, really doesn’t say great things about those girls as friends. I know it’s hard to hear, but they aren’t real friends. Real friends would never go behind your back like that and make you feel isolated and excluded. I know exactly how it feels, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I can completely understand why it would make you feel sad and like you don’t belong. But I am so proud of you because you’ve already done something I was always too scared to do. You confronted them about it. Those girls were directly told how their actions made you feel, but they still did nothing about it. In my opinion, they don’t deserve to be your friends, and I know that there are other girls who would never treat you like that. You deserve to be respected, loved, and treated as an equal in the group. And if the girls in group A aren’t going to do that then I don’t think you should keep hanging out with them.

✧ Group B ✧

Okay so Group B doesn’t sound so great right now either. It’s a good thing that they are funny and kind, those are amazing qualities to have in a friendship. However, once again you find yourself being disrespected and not an equal in the group. The whole talking about other things instead of class work situations is a concern, especially if it has been affecting your learning. Again, I am proud of you for speaking up and expressing your concerns to your friends. The bad part is that even though they might be listening to what you have to say, they aren’t actually taking that on board and trying to change their behaviour in any way. I can understand you and your friends occasionally getting off track in class with a conversation that is completely irrelevant to what you are learning (even I am guilty of that), but when it is a constant occurrence, I get why you might get frustrated. Having to do most of the group work is not fair at all and is not only a disadvantage to your friends, as they will likely not understand any of the work, but also to you, who would have spent a lot of your time making up for the work that your friends should have done in the first place. If they don’t change even after you’ve clearly explained your frustration to them, please go to the teacher. It is not fair for you to have to be expected to carry the other girls just because they refuse to do their fair share of the work. I see the same issue that Group A has… they are not the right friends for you.

Comparison

I really don’t know if there is a better group out of the two. From what I understand, Group A doesn’t include you or treat you as an equal in the group, and Group B doesn’t respect you or treat you fairly by constantly distracting you and relying on you to do the majority of the work. If I’m being honest, neither of these groups are made up of great friends. You’ve done most of the work by raising the issues with them, but they aren’t taking you seriously, and real friends would. I know you said you have tried to sit with other groups and they don’t feel right, but is there maybe one you haven’t tried sitting with yet? Or out of the ones you have sat with, was there one that felt even slightly more right than the others? Because from what you’ve told me, I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable in a group of girls who don’t treat me equally or respect me.

Seek Support

I know that this must be a hard time for you, and please know that you are not alone. If you feel as though your struggles are affecting you, please try and talk to someone about it. It could be anyone you trust. A parent, your favourite teacher, your year coordinator, the wellbeing coordinator (Mrs Cofini), or even the school counsellor. The adults in your life want what is best for you and will always try their best to help you through your high school journey.

Make New Friends

I know you really see yourself with either Group A or Group B but it never hurts to have other friends too, ones who you don’t sit with but who are still there for you. They don’t even have to be in the same year group as you, as long as you feel like you can really be yourself around them. Luckily, there are heaps of amazing initiatives around the school to help you make new friends while also having fun. Find people who have similar interests to you! Here are just a few options which you might be interested in:

Wildflower
Wellbeing Wall Committee
Anime Club
Lavender Book Club
Current Affairs Club
CARE

Moral Of The Story

At the end of the day, friendships take a lot of time and effort. And I really mean that. I was stuck in the same cycle for six years and it was only in the last few months that I finally started realising my self worth and stopped blaming myself for all of those failed friendships. Unfortunately you are right, the more you split your time amongst different groups, the harder it becomes to develop a strong connection with them.

I know you feel like you belong to these groups the most, but if your “friends” aren’t listening to you and considering how you feel when you are with them then I don’t think they aren’t the right friends for you. There will come a day when you learn that not all people are worth your energy. If someone can’t see how amazing you are and appreciate you as a friend, then why bother trying to convince them? There are others out there who would be so happy to be friends with you and those people will show you so much love, you just have to find them. Please do not blame yourself, you can’t force friendships. And I know that one day, whether it be in high school or not, you will find “your” group.

I hope some of this was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of high school and all of your friendships.

Lots of love, Miss Sage <3

♡